Your greatest challenge

Dear Alan and the Ground Force team.

For many years we have watched your exploits across the UK, South Africa and even the Falklands. Now, we'd like to issue you with your greatest challenge.

We have an overgrown and neglected strip of land - a few yards wide and about 20,000 miles long. For many years it's been left to go to ruin and has become something of a dustbin.

We believe that only your team's intervention can stop the rot. The task will require all your ingenuity and skill - you'll need skips by the thousand and a landfill site the size of Morecambe Bay. That said, the timber for Tommy's decking is already littered about the place and there are many damaged drains which Charlie can turn into water features.

From a recycling perspective, we estimate that the recoverable scrap would be sufficient to build a second Forth Bridge or new QE3. The vegetation and added rubbish would probably fire a good-sized power station for a year or more.

We realise that the job might take more than your customary two days. But senior management from the landowner - Network Rail - are on a five-day foreign jolly next week so we suggest that you start early on Monday and finish by five o'clock on Friday.

Your help would be greatly appreciated by thousands of people who remember the land back in its glory days - flat, clear and well-maintained, known affectionately as 'the cess'.

Your earliest reply would be welcomed - time is not on our side as the situation is deteriorating by the minute.