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Helping the war effort

Our forces will soon return to the terrible terrain of Afghanistan, tasked with eliminating the last of the Taliban terrorists. With this in mind, the Ministry of Defence has announced new arrangements to save money and ensure combat readiness.

The closure of army obstacle courses will be offset by an agreement between the Ministry and cash-strapped Network Rail which allows soldiers to undergo rugged terrain training in an area of the railway between the sleeper ends and the boundary fence - formerly known as 'the cess'.

To ensure the high standards required by the military, Network Rail has already started making the cess "fit for training purposes". Measures include dumping spent ballast, removing troughing lids and manhole covers, half-burying scrap rail and other materials. As part of a new initiative, felled trees, shrubs and hedges will be abandoned alongside the line as a disincentive to progress.
Measures include dumping spent ballast, removing troughing lids and manhole covers, half-burying scrap rail and other materials.

Troops are expected to begin training immediately as Network Rail has already achieved the required minimum standard over at least 80% of its network.

At a press conference last night, rumours were rife that if the required number of troops could not be trained in time, railway trackworkers would be conscripted as they are already used to these conditions. Network Rail refused to comment but a spokesman admitted that contractors working within the training areas had to be "ready for anything".

Residents living alongside railway lines are also helping by deluging the cess with an assortment of old beer crates, baby buggies, iron bed frames and bags of old newspapers and potato peelings. It's even rumoured that one northern council is considering the closure of its public tip and redirecting customers to the nearest railway access point.

A Ministry spokesman told us that "the railway is entirely fit for our purposes as the amount of undergrowth, spilt stone and missing manhole covers are more than a test for our forces. We are very pleased with the terrain."

NEWS JUST IN FROM THE FRONT LINE:

MARINES IN MOUNTAINS STOP
TROOPS IN TIP-TOP STATE STOP
THANKS TO NETWORK RAIL FOR PROVIDING TRAINING GROUND STOP
GLAD TO RECOMMEND TO OTHERS STOP

Story added 1st September 2003

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