Jungle Ron's TV Highlights

Delude • Retreat • Indemnify • Prevaricate • Squander

	UKTV Twaddle
8:00	Panaroma Special Is the cess sub-prime market in crisis?
9:00	The Apprentice Sir Alan Sugar recruits 12 inmates from a mental institution near Barnoldswick who will compete for a £100,000 job, rewriting the railway's Rule Book. Their first challenge is to open an envelope.
11:00	CessAid Concert Live coverage of tonight's concert from Swindon station car park (or the nearest phone box if wet). Performers include Iron Laden, Rolling Stone and Dire Straits.

	UKTV Trash
8:00	Antiques Roadshow Special A rare green zone attracts worldwide interest as it goes on sale at Christies. According to the catalogue, it is one of three specified by a colour-blind Rimini planner at a large Midlands depot. Two COSSs died laughing and another was treated for shock after reading the paperwork without first donning their hardhats.
9:00	Through the Access Gate David Frost and an irritating American go trackside to ask a panel of COSSs "who works at a site like this"?
10:00	Where are they now? Adrian Chiles examines some of the railway’s endangered species, including a green zone, a safe cess and an extra lookout man.

Channel Four

7:00

100 Best Cesses

7:01

Scrapheap Challenge

Two teams of petrol-heads construct a fleet of frigates from scrap materials found close to the upside access point at South Kirkby Junction.

8:00

Relocation Relocation

Kirsty and Phil have their work cut out as they take on a search for the Huddersfield S&T, who are looking for a signalling cabinet with safe trackside access.

9:00

Dispatches

Having failed to find Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction, allied forces scour the railway for the elusive safe cess.

10:00

Dispatches Special

Following reports that Lord Lucan is living in the undergrowth next the the West Coast Main Line, investigators ask 'could Shergar be next'?

11:00

Property Ladder

Sarah Beeny investigates why houses backing onto the main East Coast rail line have shot up in value. Could it be leek and onion growers taking advantage of the free manure being discharged from GNER trains?

	ITV2
8:00	Celebrity Cess Ramble
8:30	Celebrity Cess Ramble Uncut
9:00	I'm a Trackworker - Get Me Out of Here! Ant & Dec update us on the latest goings-on in the jungle next to the Down Goods.
10:00	Ray Mears Cesscraft The adventurer spends a week surviving in the cess. Living off what he can find, Ray walks for seven days through inhospitable terrain before reaching the forgotten world of Bishop Auckland station.
11:00	An Audience with David Icke The self-proclaimed son of God astounds us with another implausible revelation - he has seen a clear cess path near Farnley Tyas. Halleluiah!
0:00	Carry On Up The Cess Stumble into the early hours with the hilarious escapades of Sid James and Charles Haughtrey, fettling the line to Nether End. This pair of lengthmen (ooo err missus!) fight a losing battle to protect the last remaining cess from ever-encroaching vegetation. Hattie Jacques co-stars as a tamper and ballast regulator.
1:30	Hitchhikers Guide to the Cess Peter Jones narrates extracts from this futuristic fantasy world. Q: Is there such a thing as a safe cess? A: 42.

Next week...CessWatch

Bill Oddie presents CessWatch - a week of interactive programmes with viewers keeping a close watch on cesses across the length and breadth of Britain. Our camera crews will be on standby to bring live coverage of wildlife rarely found in today's cesses, including the Hardhatted Lengthman and the Warbling Chargehand. Send us a £7 postal order to receive your CessWatch scythe and be fully prepared for this exciting TV event.

Changes to the schedule

We regret that the Penn and Teller Special, due to be shown later this season, has had to be cancelled due to technical difficulties. The showmen were to have made the cess disappear but it seems that someone has already beaten them to it.

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