Local authorities and their pals in health ‘n’ safety happily put the kibosh on three-legged races and donkey derbies; they ban bunting from lamp-posts on carnival days and put paid to the playground apocalypse of conkers.

...they ban bunting from lamp-posts on carnival days and put paid to the playground apocalypse of conkers.

Because councils and police in many towns and cities now accept that cyclists should be allowed to ride on the pavement - at speed and with no lights or bell - we understand that the HSE is soon to propose that all pedestrians should wear HV clothing with reflective strips.

The government is looking to update the Green Cross Code to include ‘look left, look right, look left again before stepping onto the pavement’ in case a rollerblader is hurtling towards your door.

The other day I saw two teaching assistants telling a group of five and six-year-olds how to operate a pedestrian crossing safely. Well done for that. Such a pity though that, in a few years time, those instructions will have gone from their minds and they will blindly dawdle over the road just yards from a crossing, texting with one hand and pushing a baby buggy with the other.

A teen demonstrates exemplary texting skills in her safety footwear. Photo: Moriza

We all know that we cannot put broken glass or razor wire on top of our garden walls to prevent burglars from getting into our homes and stealing valued possessions. Such an act would be a flagrant breach of their human rights as they might come to some harm…the poor little darlings. So I was fascinated to see draft legislation coming out of Brussels regarding ‘public safety at the trackside’.

Following the publication of photographs showing a Bristol woman struggling home along the four-foot with her shopping bags - resulted in a passing train having to stop and pick her up - the European Parliament is preparing a Bill to force member states to provide cess paths alongside all lines. This will enable trespassers to walk in a continuous position of safety without endangering themselves. Walking in the four-foot is an intolerable risk for them…the poor little darlings.

A grandma shows how to text whilst negotiating concrete steps. Photo: Scarabanza

Yes, of course I’m only joking. But that’s how ridiculous things have become. Didn’t you believe it, just for a moment? We look after the welfare of those who do wrong…knowingly do wrong; those who do right - like our on-track gangs - rarely get the same attention, even when their welfare is being compromised on a daily basis.