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Death by Health and Safety has secured a multi-million pound research budget to bring revelation to areas of managerial uncertainty. We hope you'll agree that our work delivers untold value-for-money and will resolve problems which don't yet (and might never) exist.

All our projects are carried out by world-renowned research specialists Muniferole Drope Ltd. Based in the Bahamas, their expertise coupled with our bottomless cash pit will bring insight where there is currently irrelevance, and fill space on empty shelves.
Key projects
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identifies a report which is now available as loft insulation or to act as a doorstop
identifies a report which does not currently have sufficient pages
XS01 Determining the optimum distance between standard gauge rails
DBHS human factors experts have determined that the standard railway gauge of 1435mm is too difficult for on-track workers to remember. This project supports a rolling programme of track replacement using a gauge of 2200mm, as preferred by the Brunell Foundation of Bristol.
Cost £184,000 Pages 98 Benefit quota 1.76 Glory index 41 Trees felled 687
XS02 Determining the optimum weight of a passenger

DBHS statistical analysis gurus have determined that there is a proportionate link between the power consumption of a train and the cumulative weight of its passengers. This project, proposed by delegates to the Rail Sustainability Masterclass, supports the imposition of a discount or surcharge on ticket prices dependent on body mass. Passengers will be rated in accordance with a celebrity comparison chart:

Level Equivalent to Discount Level Equivalent to Surcharge
1 Geri Halliwell 50% 4 John Prescott 50%
2 Keira Knightley 25% 5 Bella Emberg 100%
3 Kate Moss 10% 6 Rik Waller 200%
Phase two of this project will involve the development of an online ticketing portal which calculates Body Mass Index (BMI) through the pressure applied to the user's keyboard.
Cost £93,000 Pages 112 Benefit quota 2.27 Glory index 79 Trees felled 471
XS03 Determining the cause of deep exhalation of carbon dioxide
During their afternoon brow-mopping fiesta, some DBHS managers reported an involuntary reflex action involving the deep exhalation of carbon dioxide, accompanied by a watery secretion from the lacrimal gland. This project found that the workload of these managers was unduly excessive and recommended that the daily holistic massage period should be extended by four hours.
Cost £211,000 Pages 274 Benefit quota 0.18 Glory index 22 Trees felled 812
XS04 Determining the durability of chocolate fireguards
DBHS Sustainable Materials Department has asserted that the by-products of cocoa beans could offer an environmentally friendly alternative to plastics for the development of protective equipment. This project assesses several applications for this emerging technology including its use as a boiler shield for staff working on the footplate of steam locomotives.
Cost £152,000 Pages 174 Benefit quota 6.59 Glory index 192 Trees felled 489
XS05 Determining the risks posed by blind lookouts
DBHS Social Intercourse Unit believes that it is contrary to the requirements of Section 2 of the Disability Discrimination Act 1995 to prevent an individual from acquiring a track safety competence on the basis of disability. This raises the possibility of blind people qualifying as lookouts. This project considers the potential risks and how they might be mitigated.
Cost £65,000 Pages 39 Benefit quota 2.71 Glory index 102 Trees felled 363
XS06 Determining the optimum temperature for hot drinks

DBHS Beverage Supply Directorate has carried out investigations into both hot drink related accidents which have occurred on-board trains since the Second World War.

Date Location
16/06/1944 Lampeter
Train derailed by German bomb whilst casualty consumed cup of tea
25/12/1968 Bideford
Over-sharpened axe fell from shelf whilst casualty drank from flask of coffee
Severed limb
This project has concluded that hot drinks should be rebranded as 'not cold' drinks and served at room temperature with appropriate Personal Protective Equipment. Several Train Operating Companies have already adopted this recommendation and also offer passengers a free consultation with a financial advisor before they order a beverage.
Cost £93,000 Pages 166 Benefit quota 5.21 Glory index 53 Trees felled 790
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