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Death by Health and Safety introduced its first Safety Risk Model (SRM) in 1995. Designed to promote a better understanding of railway hazards amongst staff with reading difficulties, the model currently produces a comprehensive mathematic representation of 125 potentially dangerous events through the mediums of mime, dance and fishing.

Our Safety Risk Model rehearses at London's Dodecahedron Theatre under the umbrella of our Safety Performance Team. The umbrella is taken down during July and August, during which time mosquito nets are fitted.

In 2007, DHBS agreed to supply an additional Safety Risk Model on secondment to the Department for Transport as part as its evaluation of safety metrics within Control Period 4 of the High Level Output Specification.

DBHS launched a fully-updated Safety Risk Model (Version 6) in April 2009, accounting for 44% of hazardous events - such as Spontaneous Human Combustion or a limb falling off - and 88% of the risk. If you understand what any of this means, please drop us a line.

The evolution of the Safety Risk Model is detailed below.
The models

Version 1.0: launched 1st April 1995

Our first Safety Risk Model was Jasper.

DBHS's SRM Project Development Squad initially considered that railway staff would find a canine model more engaging than a human one. This approach also had the potential to reduce costs, but you can't have everything.

Unfortunately, Jasper had to be put down after mauling a Technical Embellishment Specialist during an argument over the intent of Rule Book instruction B(ii).Xe.7.2. A Board of Inquiry later discovered that Jasper was correct in his assertion that tents may be erected just 4 feet from an open line if a 20mph TSR has been arranged.

The incident caused the railway's overall safety record to fall by 16%. Having been cleared of any wrongdoing, Jasper is now commemorated by a statue in the foyer of DBHS's London headquarters, the Treacle Tower.

Salary Pedigree Chum IQ 120 Value 8.4 Audience

Version 2.0: launched 2nd April 1995

For seven years, Uvavu had lead the R&D team for RSSB (Railway Safety Suffers Badly) - Botswana's rail industry safety body. He was responsible for commissioning notable research into the nutritional value of telephone directories and the optimum height of a trifle.

A triumvirate agreement involving Chester Zoo and the Institute of Call Centre Operatives lead to him being TUPEd over to DBHS in 1995. Uvavu was not popular amongst members of DBHS's Decision Avoidance Unit who found his dynamism rather intimidating.

Salary Bananas IQ 139 Value 8.9 Audience

Version 3.0: launched 8th November 1996

Alan the Snail and his sidekick Tommy were jointly attached to the role of Safety Risk Model with Bostik.

These larger-than-life characters were an immediate hit with their colleagues, causing an overall productivity increase of 38%. Tragically, on their first performance as Safety Risk Model on the Great Eastern main line, they were eaten by members of a French overhead line team.

Salary Lettuce IQ 14 Value 0.2 Audience

Version 4.0: launched 12th November 1996

Rating high with our focus group in terms of audience appreciation, SRMv4.0 was 'Bones', formerly a resident at a DBHS-sponsored convalescent home for under-valued safety professionals. This facility is currently being extended and will soon cover half the land area of Powys.

Although his physical interpretations lacked the animation of his predecessors (being described as "arthritic" by the medical correspondent of the Dorking Weekly Gazette), Bones' enthralling Bolero conveying the tripping hazard potential of audit protocol loopholes won the Lawrence Oliver Award for Best Comedy Performance in 2001, narrowly beating Ruth Kelly.

Regarded as the SRM's most successful variant, Bones retired in 2002 to present Strictly Come Dancing.

Salary - IQ - Value 4.1 Audience

Version 5.0: launched 30th January 2002

The Safety Risk Model was relaunched as a virtual humanoid - codenamed Norris - in January 2002 to take advantage of Microsoft's Windows XP operating system.

Versions 5.1, 5.2 and 5.3 followed in quick succession, addressing conversion problems between imperial and metric measurements, a tendancy to enter hibernation mode after dinner and a slight smell of TCP.

Norris is a much-loved Safety Risk Model, combining his duties for DBHS with those of the resident 'grumpy old codger' in a nearby park.

Salary Single Pension IQ 74 Value 1.9 Audience

Version 5.5: launched 12th August 2008

August saw an interim upgrade to the Safety Risk Model with the grafting of a second processing unit under Norris' armpit. It has been modelled on Doreen Mantle, the actress who played Mrs Warboys in 'One Foot in the Grave'.

SRMv5.5 enables company safety plans and the process to create a five-year strategic safety plan to be aligned with the latest risk information. It also gave our new genetic cloning department something to do in the afternoons.

Salary Married Pension IQ 67 Value tbc Audience

Version 6.0 (Vista compatible): launched 1st April 2009

DBHS's ultimate multi-faceted all-singing all-dancing super-duper Safety Risk Model launched in April 2009.

As many as four individual safety risks can be modelled concurrently in mediums as diverse as skullduggery and campanology. It is possible to engage with each model individually or harness them all to a base station for maximum thrust.

A range of software applications are supplied, taking advantage of enhanced processing speeds, although the blonde unit always operates several seconds behind the others. The deluxe model offers high-speed connections both to the front and rear to facilitate easier uploads.

Bookings are available for risk demonstrations. You are advised to upgrade your hardware package before attempting to interface with the model.

Salary Who
IQ 0 Value Huge Audience
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